


Moondust

by Kats_watermelon



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, canon divergent (i fucking hope), memori week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 07:51:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,103
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12860106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kats_watermelon/pseuds/Kats_watermelon
Summary: It's almost time to go back to Earth, but Murphy discovers a little secret that will change everything.Written for day 5 of memori week - prompt: angstsong of inspiration





	Moondust

“John!”

Murphy sprints into their apartment, fearing that Emori will be hunched over in pain the way she was last time, but she’s standing there with an enormous grin and a hand on her belly.

“You can feel her moving,” she says. Murphy’s heart expands until his chest feels like it will burst and he walks over to Emori, putting his hand on her round belly. He can feel the baby kicking under his palm and laughs, a few tears gathering in his eyes.

“It’s really happening,” he says. “We’re really going to have a little girl. She’s going to be beautiful like her mom, and we’re going to teach her how to steal things from _everyone_.”

Emori laughs and Murphy thinks that if their daughter has her mother’s laugh, he’ll never be able to refuse her anything.

“I’m going to go see if Raven and Bellamy are almost finished with the rocket preparations,” Murphy says. He kisses her cheek, then crouches down and kisses Emori’s belly, saying, “I’ll be back, moondust.”

“Moondust?” Emori asks, amused. 

“Her nickname,” Murphy says matter-of-factly. He grins up at Emori and she rolls her eyes at him.

There is an extra bounce in his step when he goes to find Bellamy and Raven. Despite being in space an extra year, things are all going well. He and Emori are going to be parents, they’re going to have a little girl, they’re going back to Earth-

“Raven, we have to tell them,” Bellamy’s voice says, heavy with what sounds like regret. Murphy freezes.

“How are we going to explain this to them?” Raven’s voice hisses. “We’ve already been stuck up here an extra year. Murphy and Emori at least will flip their shit.”

From where he’s standing around the corner, Murphy bites down on his lip, though with anger or worry, he can’t tell.

“They deserve to know,” Bellamy says. “They deserve to know what’s going on.”

“How are we supposed to tell them that the rocket won’t launch without someone _on this side_?”

Something inside Murphy freezes over and he swallows hard, wondering what they’re going to say next.

Bellamy sighs.

“You’re right,” he says. They’ll panic. One of us will have to stay behind.”

“Which one of us?”

“Rock paper scissors?”

Raven sighs and Murphy steps around the corner. Bellamy’s eyes widen when he sees him and Raven whirls around. Their guilt is painted all over their faces.

“History does like to repeat itself,” Murphy says around the lump in his throat. “Jaha said the same thing happened when the Ark went to Earth.”

“You heard that?” Bellamy says. Murphy nods.

“Neither one of you can stay,” he says, hating every word. “Octavia would never let us back into the bunker without you, Bellamy, and Raven, you’re one of the only mechanics left alive. They need you on Earth.”

“We can’t do this to Echo,” Raven says. “She still barely knows how basic technology works; she’d blow us up. Emori’s out of the question.”

“Damn right she is,” Murphy growls, taking a step forward.

“She is,” Bellamy says. “Don’t worry.”

“Funny how every time you tell me not to worry, there’s a perfectly good reason to worry.”

“Monty and Harper?”

“We need Monty on Earth and he won’t go without Harper.”

“I’ll stay,” Murphy says, and the words surprise him almost as much as they surprise Bellamy and Raven. The two of them stare at him with a mixture of shock and disbelief.

“You’ll stay behind?” Bellamy asks incredulously, and Murphy wonders if he can take the words back.

“You’re both important,” he says. “I’m… well, I’m just me.”

“This is the least Murphy-like thing you’ve ever done,” Raven says, squinting at him. “What’s your angle?”

_Moondust._

“I want my kid to go to Earth,” he says. “If someone has to stay behind it may as well be me. Besides-” he offers them a weak smile “-I think if we told the others, someone might get hanged again.”

Bellamy and Raven don’t laugh.

“We can’t tell the others about this,” Raven says. “About this plan.”

“Especially not Emori,” Murphy adds. “She can’t know until it’s too late.”

His heart hurts and he thinks that six years ago, he would’ve insisted that they leave Echo behind or Harper or even Bellamy or Raven or Monty. Anyone but him. It was him and Emori against the world.

But now there is his little moondust to think about.

If they told the others, if it came down to a fight over who would have to stay, Murphy knows it would be him. He is _expendable_ , the asshole who’s only ever thought of himself.

_Not this time._

This time he thinks of Emori and her excited smile when she feels the baby kicking around in her belly. This time he thinks of their shared DNA growing in her womb, becoming a beautiful little human being that will charm him out of everything he has, that will make his heart grow so large with love that his chest won’t be able to contain it. He knows that they need to get to Earth before his little moondust is born. It would be dangerous to attempt it with a newborn. Emori is eight months along, and the window for a safe journey is closing fast. The sooner they do this, the better. If they told the others, it would be debates and arguments and Emori and his little moondust would just be put in more danger.

No, it will be him. He will sacrifice himself for the two greatest loves of his life.

He will be selfless, just this once.

“We’re launching in less than forty-eight hours,” Raven says, breaking Murphy out of his thoughts. “Meet us in Earth Monitoring tonight and we’ll start the preparations. You should… you should start saying goodbye.”

Murphy walks back to their apartment with a hollowness that he expects will never go away. He will be selfless, just this once.

_Emori will never go if I can’t follow._

A problem for another time, he reasons, and walks into the apartment with what he hopes is a convincing smile. Emori is sitting on the bed, looking at pictures of Earth and smiling to herself. Murphy’s chest aches at the sight.

 _Two more days with you_.

He goes to lay beside her, taking her left hand in his and pressing a kiss to it before kissing her belly.

“I’m back, moondust,” he murmurs. “Did you miss me?”

_She’ll never meet me._

“I missed you,” Emori says, and Murphy rests his head on her stomach. Her fingers slide into his hair and he shuts his eyes, wishing he could steal this moment from Time and live in it forever. His little moondust kicks right below his ear and he smiles.

“She’s going to be a fighter,” he says. “Just like her mother.”

When Emori has fallen asleep, Murphy slips from the bed and goes to Earth Monitoring. Raven and Bellamy are conversing in low tones over one of the control panels.

“Show me what I need to do,” he says, trying to act nonchalant. Raven glances at Bellamy, who clears his throat.

“Murphy, we’ve been thinking.”

“That’s always a bad way to start a conversation.”

“We don’t know how long it will take to figure out a way to get you to Earth. Months, maybe years.”

“Time is our enemy. What else is new?”

“Murphy,” Bellamy says. “You’ll be up here by yourself for months. Do you realize that?”

“Last time I was alone for months I did just fine.” _The cold steel of a pistol pressed to the underside of his chin and he wants to die, he wants it, but if he must die at least let him not be alone-_ “I’m a big boy, I can handle it. Now show me what I have to do.”

Raven and Bellamy exchange another look, but relent. Raven shows him a sedative injection pen.

“This is for Emori,” she says. Her eyes are full of a sadness that Murphy feels pulsing through his entire body. “We know…. We know she won’t go without you. We don’t want to harm the baby, so it’s not nearly as intense as most of our sedatives, but as a result…” She swallows. “It’s slow-acting. She’ll be awake for at least a minute after you inject it.”

Murphy nods slowly.

_He will be selfless, just this once._

He buries all thoughts of going back and takes the pen.

“Where do we start?”

* * *

 

They run over every possibility and Murphy’s hope that there might be another way is slowly crushed. Someone has to stay behind to launch the rocket. Raven has been driving herself insane for over three months, trying to find another way, but there simply isn’t one. They will have to stick to the plan.

“We will be able to contact you from the ground,” Raven says, showing him the radio. “I’ve been building one that we’ll take with us to the ground. You won’t be completely alone. And once we find the bunker, we can get video online. That’s when we can figure out how to get you down.”

“I’m glad that we’re treating that as an option.”

“Of course it’s an option,” Raven snaps. “You’re an ass, Murphy, but you’re our ass now, like it or not.”

“I think that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Don’t push your luck.”

“When the actual launch comes, you’ll sedate Emori first, then get off,” Bellamy says, cutting off the squabble before it can begin. “The others will hopefully remain calm. If not, well… well, we haven’t thought of what we’ll do then, but we’ll deal with it if it happens.”

“Good to know you’re so well-prepared for this.”

“It’s getting late,” Raven says. “Go get some rest. We launch in ten hours.”

Murphy nods and goes back to the little apartment. He hesitates in the doorway, watching Emori sleep with a sinking feeling in his gut. Despite all of Raven and Bellamy’s talk of getting him down to Earth again, he can’t help but feel that he’ll never see Emori again. He sinks into bed next to her, draping his arm over her. She stirs a little but doesn’t wake and he fights back tears.

_He will be selfless, just this once._

He wants to be selfish; he wants to go to Earth. But he won’t. He will stay in space and thankfully there are no guns for him to put to his head here because the thought of living without Emori and their little moondust for longer than a month makes him want to throw himself out the nearest airlock.

He will bury his desperation to stay with them to give them the chance to go to Earth. The chance to go home.

He will be selfless, just this once.

* * *

 

He helps Emori into the cockpit and straps her in, the injection heavy in his pocket. Around him, the other six are getting ready for the launch. Echo is meditating in her seat, the white knuckles clutched around her straps the only clue as to how terrified she is of going back through space in the rocket. Monty and Harper are holding hands and chattering excitedly about everything they’re going to do when they get to Earth. Bellamy is watching Murphy carefully and Raven is setting controls up and refusing to look at the goodbye that is about to happen.

“It’s time,” she says, and Murphy remembers something that he read once in a class a long time ago - _to love is a kind of death_.

“I love you,” he says to Emori, and presses the injection to her neck. Her eyes widen at the sting and tears are gathering in her eyes and she doesn’t understand, of course she doesn’t, but he’ll explain everything. He gathers her in his arms and her head falls limply onto his chest.

“John?” she whispers, and the fear in her voice makes him want to take back everything, to pull the sedatives from her body and put them in his own and take away that broken look in her eyes.

“Someone has to stay behind,” he says, and tears are starting to burn behind his eyes. “Someone has to stay behind, and it’s going to be me.”

“No, no, you can’t-”

“You’re going to Earth,” he whispers to her, rocking her gently as she begins to sob. “You’re going to Earth with our little moondust. You’re going home.”

“You’re my home.”

He inhales shakily and shuts his eyes. She’s close to unconsciousness now, close to being beyond his reach.

“Please,” she cries softly. “Please don’t leave us.” Murphy remembers something that she told him once. She hadn’t begged for anything since she was a child. She’d never let anyone make her beg. She sobs once more. “Please.”

“I love you so much,” he says, burying his face in her hair. “I love you so goddamn much.”

“Please, John, you can’t.”

“You’re going to Earth,” he says. “I’ll come back someday, I promise. I’ll come back. I love you.”

“John…”

She goes limp in his arms and he sobs, holding her to him as tightly as he can. It’s dead quiet in the rocket and he thinks that they can all float themselves for this, for watching.

“Murphy,” Bellamy says, his voice heavy.

“Just another fucking minute,” Murphy demands, his voice breaking. He kisses the top of Emori’s head and smooths her hair down. She’s going to Earth and for once he’s not going with her. He arranges her so that she’ll be comfortable and crouches down to kiss her belly.

“Have fun on Earth, moondust,” he says, his voice shaking with the effort to hold himself together. “I promise I’ll come back someday.”

He stands up and kisses Emori’s forehead one more time before he climbs out of the rocket and walks to Earth Monitoring without looking back.

* * *

 

Emori blinks, the world slowly coming into focus. Raven is standing before her, her hands on Emori’s face. She is saying, “Come on, wake up. We’re on Earth.” Emori’s hands immediately go to her belly. _Their little moondust._ After a moment, she feels a small kick and smiles.

The smile slides off her face when she remembers.

“Where’s John?” she asks. Raven’s hands drop from Emori’s face and guilt and shame flash across hers.

“Emori…”

“You didn’t,” Emori says, denial clawing up her throat. “No, you didn’t leave him in space.”

“He volunteered,” Bellamy says, trying to console her. “He wanted to stay.”

“He’s alone up there,” Emori says, panic lacing through her chest. “He’s alone up there, don’t you get it?”

“He’ll be fine,” Raven says. “We’re going to get him back.”

“The last time he was alone he tried to kill himself!” Emori screams, and the knowledge that John is alone nearly breaks her. She curls over her belly, over their little moondust, as John always called her, and sobs. The inside of the rocket is silent.

“He didn’t-”

“Of course he didn’t!”

She can’t stop sobbing, can’t stop remembering John’s face when he told her that he put a gun to his head and almost pulled the trigger, can’t stop imagining him putting a gun to his head because he’s alone and he _left her_.

“Emori,” Bellamy says, putting his hand on her shoulder. “We have a radio. You’ll be able to talk to him.”

She grabs Bellamy’s hands and says, “I want to talk to him now.”

* * *

 

Raven said that it will take at least six hours after the launch before they will be able to contact him. He spends those six hours curled on the floor of Earth Monitoring, sobbing his heart out and trying to commit the feel of Emori’s hair to memory. He tries to remember the kick of a little foot against his palm, tries to remember how Emori’s voice sounded when he pressed his ear to her chest to listen to her heartbeat and she told him he was being ridiculous, tries to remember her laugh when he told her about his plans to teach their daughter how to steal from everyone, tries to remember what it felt like to hold her in his arms.

They are not a good six hours.

“Murphy? Come in, Murphy. Are you there?”

Murphy scrambles to his feet and slams down on the button.

“I’m here.”

“John.”

He sobs again. Her voice sounds nearly as broken as his heart.

“I’m here,” he says. “I promise I’m here.”

“John,” is all she can say, and Murphy just listens to that, committing to memory the sound of his name on her lips.

“We’re going to go out and see if we can find the bunker,” Bellamy says after a minute. “We’ll keep you updated.”

“Okay,” Murphy says. “Put Emori back on.”

“John, how could you-”

“Tell our little moondust I love her,” he says, and she sobs. “Don’t cry, don’t cry. I love you.”

“How could you-”

“Someday I’ll get to come back to Earth. Someday I’ll get to tell our little moondust myself. Soon, I promise.”

She’s silent for a moment.

“I love you too.”

* * *

 

It’s two weeks later that the only thing that Murphy hears through the radio is Emori screaming, and he tries to talk her through the pain while holding back sobs because he’s not there, he’s not with her and he should have been selfish, he should have gone to Earth-

The screams cut off abruptly and Murphy fears the worst but then he hears the crying and his world shatters because _he’s not there_.

“She’s beautiful,” Emori sobs, and Murphy wants to shut off the radio because it’s too much, it’s just all too much. “John, she’s so beautiful.”

“Of course she is,” he says hoarsely. “Of course she is, of course she is.”

“Moon,” Emori says and Murphy finally sobs aloud, burying his face in his hands. “Our little Moon.”

“Emori-”

She tries to say something else, but a loud crackle interrupts them and static starts to take over Emori’s words and Murphy is screaming at the radio, screaming for it to let him speak to her, to at least say goodbye-

Earth Monitoring fills with a monotone static and Murphy slams his fists down on the console, sobbing.

“No,” he says. “God, no. Please, no.”

The static presses down on him and he curls up in the chair and sobs into his hands, spinning alone in the emptiness of space, his two greatest loves a universe away.

_He will be selfless, just this once._

**Author's Note:**

> I cried a little while writing this not gonna lie


End file.
